These guys suck

Listen up spazzoids,

Let’s try and breakdown the most hated opponents/players for each Detroit team.  Going to be rough because it’s open to interpretation.  Will list top 5 for each and a quick reminder to why.  Here we go.

Detroit Pistons

  1. Boston Celtics/Larry Bird – Bad Boys era rivalry.  Isaiah and Laimbeer hated this guy (maybe vice versa).  Oh yea, and we ended the Celtics dynasty.
  2. Lakers – DEEETTRROOOIIITTT BASSSKETBAAALLLL!!!!! Another Dynasty ended…
  3. Chicago Bulls/Jordan – We created Jordan.  Without the bad boys beating him up, he does not turn into a psycho.  Isaiah/Jordan deep seeded rivalry speaks for itself.
  4. Ron Artest/Metta World Peace/dickhead – Malice at the Palace….
  5. LeBron – He ended our most recent success/is everyone’s rival.

Detroit Tigers

  1. Yankees – another Everyone’s rival etc.,  Magglio Walk off/Kenny Rogers champagne spraying, knocking us out of playoffs, now Miggy fight etc.,
  2. White Sox – Not so much lately, pesky division rival
  3. Indians – Same as White Sox, they have our number now.  (thanks Dombrowski)
  4. Cardinals – Old school rivalry (look it up) they also beat us in the ’06 World Series
  5. Kate Upton – Every bad outing from Verlander is blamed on her…..

Detroit Red Wings

  1. Colorado Avalanche – Late 90’s was the best rivalry was one of the best ever NHL.
  2. Claude Lemieux – Draper push/McCarty ass whooping, (Claude turtled)
  3. Chicago Blackhawks – Proximity rivalry, sad conferences switched
  4. Sidney Crosby – Fuck this guy
  5. Corey Perry – Dirtbag

Detroit Lions

  1. The Refs – Most recent Tate botch job, Calvin Johnson rule, Cowboys playoff, Rodgers facemask to hail mary, Seattle touchback, Cowboys no-call, etc., etc., etc.,
  2. Packers – Need I say more?
  3. Aaron Rodgers/Brett Favre – Not sure if the Fords own us or if they do….
  4. Chicago Bears – Proximity Rivalry (natural)
  5. Matt Millen – Worst “CEO”/GM of any team ever?  No question. Turd.

I hope the rankings/teams/players/people make sense.  Writing this honestly got me fired up.  Man, I hate NFL rules…….

Giddyup,

Harbaugh: I’m Torn

Listen up psychos,

I HATE MICHIGAN and their whiney, bandwagon, pompous, little bitch fans.   Lets get that out of the way.  I currently cannot stand Jim Harbaugh as well (obviously).

HOWEVER, I have to admit, I secretly kinda love the guy.  Yes, he is obnoxious.  Yes, he is the Donald Trump of college football.  Yes, he is turning around a program that I despise. Yes, he tries to act like/dress like Bo Schembechler.  Yes, he gets a lot of credit for a guy who has not won any championships (unless you count NFC champions).  See what I did there?  Shit all over the guy, but now I have to get into why I like him.

He is like Ndamukong Suh, you hate him if he’s not on your team.  If he is on your team, you love him because he riles up all the other teams, excites your fan base, and gets shit done.  I always thought he was a solid coach all the way back to San Diego.  Even though there was that whole “Schwartz hand shake week” where I hated the guy.  He does seem to wear out his welcome or maybe he just gets sick of being in one spot.  You cannot not deny the guy knows how to run a program; he has turned around every place he has been.  Additionally, he is the kind of guy that makes you want to run through a wall; which I believe my MSU boys are lacking since Narduzzi left.  Again, he is a guy who is easy to hate but when he is on your side it’s exciting.

As much as I hate to say it, Harbaugh is good for the Big Ten.  He has renewed the OSU “rivalry” and the MSU “rivalry”; both have owned scUM over the past 8-10 years.  I believe he also attracted some larger coaching names to some of the other programs; James Franklin from Vandy to Kid Fucker University, PJ Fleck to Minnesota, and Jeff Brohm (former XFL QB) from Western Kentucky to Purdue.  The Big Ten has the best line up of coaches by far than any other conference.  SEC, ACC, Big 12, and PAC 12 all are pretty top heavy; just like the BIG TEN used to be.

Now back to hating these douches.  I believe he is too much of a nut job to stay out of the NFL.  While he can handle all the college recruiting crap, I believe he will be back in the NFL within 4-5 years.  I do not see him being a lifer at scUM.  Of course he could prove me wrong.

Giddyup,

P.S.

Harbaugh gave me the best sports moment of my life, “The Punt”.

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Imagine losing to your most hated rival that you have beat the shit out of for over 6 years with 10 seconds left in their stadium.  AND THEN YOU RETURN A BAD SNAP FOR A TOUCHDOWN TO WIN!!!! Game over, on to the next game, did that really happen?  Yes, it did.  Not sure if it will ever get better than that, honestly.  Even if Lions won a Super Bowl.  The low/high of that game, the fact its scUM, at the big house, so perfect.  I will forever be grateful to Harbaugh for that.

$$$$$$tafford

Listen up you amnesiacs,

Chuck Long, Rusty Hilger, Rodney Peete, Scott Mitchell, Charlie Batch, Joey Harrington, Jon Kitna, Dan Orlovsky, and Daunte Culpepper (when he weighed 400 lbs).

This is the list of starting quarterbacks before Matthew Stafford came to Detroit.  I can honestly remember each type of beer I threw at the wall after these guys threw interceptions; easy since it’s usually a LBL.  We all know Stafford has had some bad INT’s.  But give me a break, his good far outweighs his bad.

Some of the rhetoric that has been going on during this contract negotiation is pretty hilarious.  People not wanting him to be the highest paid QB in the league are just idiots and do not understand how these contracts work.  He will be the highest paid for about 4 months before someone else gets the nod.  People who think he needs to take a pay cut like Brady need to also understand Brady’s wife earns double what he does; no joke, $360m to his $180m.  While I do agree Stafford has made a killing so far, he has earned it.  He was literally the only reason we won about 4 games last year.  And to the absolute jackass who says Stafford sucks, go watch golf or cricket you dickheads.  You obviously have not watched the Lions for very long.  Stafford is already the best Lions QB in history, hands down.  So shut up, be happy you have a franchise QB and be glad we didn’t just sign Jay Cutler to start week 1.  (is it weird I am rooting for Cutler to do good this year?)

I know this will sound like we are settling, but we do need to be happy because it could be much worse.  It wasn’t too long ago when half the fans at Ford Field were wearing bags over their heads in shame.  Some are saying the Jim Schwartz era was the peak of the Stafford-led-Lions.  Recently we have had ex-players trash the franchise.  Keep in mind, the majority of their careers were played under other GM’s.

Things are feeling a little more controlled nowadays.  One thing is for sure, things are changing.  For the better?  Time will tell.  Two years ago, Stafford would already have a contract signed for $160m for 5 years.  Bob Quinn isn’t just dishing out money to put bandaids over everything.  He is managing the cap and also building the franchise into a contender (hopefully).  I do believe Stafford is a top ten QB and does deserve to be paid.  It is just where the league is now.  I would hate to see #9 in another uniform.  I think Bob Quinn feels the same way and a deal will get done.

Lions fans are a funny bunch.  We are loyal though.  You have to be to root for this franchise.

Giddyup

Dombrowski, Holland, Millen – M,F,K.

Listen up turds,

Time to play a little M-F-K.  If you don’t know the game, grow up.

This round will be former Tigers GM, Dave Dombrowski, current Red Wings GM Ken Holland, and just to make it easy, the pride of the Lions Matt Millen.

M – Ken Holland

I know everyone is a little butt-hurt that we didn’t make the playoffs and the team has been on the down turn the past few years.  However, 15 straight playoff appearances with 3 Stanley Cups (became GM in July of ’97), worked with two difficult HOF coaches, managed countless superstars, and kept us relevant.  He is someone you are comfortable with and Detroit fans are very spoiled to have had him for this long.  Don’t get me wrong, if Stevie Y wants to come back to Detroit, get the divorce papers ready!  However, give the man some respect, he earned it.

F –  Dave Dombrowski

This guy.  Talk about fun!  Spends money on you, showers you with talent, gave you some of the most memorable Octobers of your life…… then he dines & dashes, sticks you with the bill, and is now banging your cousin.  He did bring Detroit out of the gutter from the 43-119 season in ’03 (shout out Bobby Higginson, Dmitri Young, Carlos Pena).  He also gave us one of the most memorable moments in Detroit History.  When the Tigers finally got past the Yankees in Detroit and Kenny Rogers was spraying champagne on the fans.  Additionally, I was at the game where Magglio hit the home run to send us to the World Series; probably my best live sports moment ever.  While this was great, now we are feeling the pain of this fling.  He did go all-out and you have to give him credit; most fan bases bitch and moan about not spending money.  It was fun while it lasted, but he may have ruined our lives.

K – Matt Millen

Total cop out putting this guy in here.  Such a no brainer.  But, as a hard core Lions fan (so pathetic) I will take a shot every chance I get at this dude.  While I am sure he is a nice guy, he was not even playing checkers while the rest of the league was playing chess; he was chewing on his fucking fingers.  The one good part of him being let go halfway through the ’08 season was that his name is not in the record books for the 0-16 season (seriously impressive); and FYI, we went 4-0 preseason that year.  Going to do the thing that people do to justify a terrible ex, if we didn’t have him it wouldn’t have lead us to Bob Quinn; but it did make us the laughing stock of the league.

Detroit fans do have something that a lot of fan bases do not have: Loyalty.  Could be that we are a 4-sport city.  But man, we have had some terrible teams: the Deadwings Era, the ’03 Tigers, early 80’s Pistons, and of course the ’08 Lions.  We get pissed, don’t get me wrong, but we always come back with some sort of hope.  So, if things are bad, quit being a pussy and stick it out.  Drink a Labatt, it will get better.

Giddyup

Martha Ford, Major League, Any Given Sunday

We feel comfortable with the front office. This is not normal.

Listen up you pathetic losers,

In a couple of months, I will grab my crinkled up Chris Spielman #54 jersey I’ve had since 7th grade that was thrown in the back of my closet after yelling “I’m done”.  It is a yearly event that takes place at the end of every Lions season.  Of course, I am never done and I have been googling “Detroit Lions” daily to hear about every offseason acquisition, training camp news, or the new cheerleader that made the squad.  I am pathetic and I know it.  Every year Lions fans do the Super Bowl math, breakdown the schedule before it comes out, chalk 3 additional wins for Stafford pulling a crazy come back, and we are consistently let down.

HOWEVER, I think it is time to give Martha Ford some props.  I’ll admit, at first I thought we were getting into a situation like the Cleveland Indians in Major League, where Rachel Phelps is the evil owner that the team hates.  Now I am thinking we are in a Cameron Diaz in Any Given Sunday situation, where she actually cares about winning and wants the team to succeed.

After a shaky start in 2015, she did not mess around.  She canned the GM, forced the coach to scrap assistant coaches who were not getting the most out of the offense etc., and MADE SOLID HIRES.  That sounds like an oxymoron to a Lions fan.  Matt Millen’s name isn’t allowed to be whispered in Detroit anymore.  Bob Quinn’s name is said with pride (so far).  He has made smart decisions like drafting lineman, working on the cap, and bringing in solid free agents that make sense.  Time will tell what these moves will bring to Detroit, but you have to admit as a Lions fan this is the first time in our lives that we fee like we are in good hands.

Also, Jim Bob Cooter is a future Bill Belichick; so that helps.

Giddyup